Boeing Assures Passengers That Gremlin on Wing of Plane Nothing To Worry About
Following several high-profile malfunctions and untimely deaths surrounding them, Boeing has insisted to worried passengers on a 747 headed to Boston that the destructive gremlin on the wing of the plane is nothing to worry about, sources have confirmed.
“We’ve seen the photographs, and frankly, we’re not as worried about it as everyone else seems to be,” said Dave Calhoun, CEO of Boeing. “There are two sides to every story, and we think Boeing has been the victim of bad PR and a smear campaign lately. So what if people keep dying? Do you think that’s us doing that? Anyway, nothing to see here. That gremlin is just removing old parts of the plane that don’t work. Nothing worth panicking about.”
Despite Calhoun’s insistence to the contrary, many of the plane’s passengers were in fact panicking.
“Okay, now this is just too far,” said one flyer, Albert Grossman. “First they expected us to believe that several whistleblowers just happened to abruptly die. OK, I’ve seen the movies, I know how corporate crime works. But they’re out of their minds if they think we’re not all freaking out about this gremlin on the plane. He’s really going to town out there!”
As of press time, passengers had rejoiced as the wing the gremlin was holding onto just snapped right off.